A Year of Loss, Heartbreak, and Searching for Hope

This year has been the hardest of my life. On May 5th, I lost Larry, my husband, my rock, and my partner for life. His passing left a gaping hole in my world—one that no words can fully describe. Grief is relentless, and every day since then has been a struggle to find my footing in a world that no longer feels familiar. As if losing Larry wasn’t enough, the following months unraveled even more pain. I had to put down my sweet 16 year old dog Lucy. Then I discovered that Larry’s sister and her husband had been stealing from me while I was at my most vulnerable—when I wasn’t home, & when I was grieving. I lost more than material possessions; I lost family, trust, and any sense of security I had left. The betrayal cut deep, and with it came another layer of grief—the kind you feel when you realize the people who should be there for you are the ones hurting you the most. It wasn’t just things they took from me; they took my faith in the bonds that tie us together. In August, I faced yet another devastating loss—my big ‘sister,’ a person I loved dearly, was gone. Each loss feels like another weight pressing down on me, making it harder and harder to breathe, to think, to keep going. The compounding grief has taken such a toll on me, both physically and emotionally. Some days, it feels like I am unraveling under the weight of it all. I wish I could say I’m finding my way through this pain, but the truth is, I’m still searching. Grief has a way of taking not just the people you love but also the hope you once carried. I’ve lost hope on many days. I’m struggling to find a way forward, to piece together what’s left of my life when so much has been stripped away. The hurt feels endless, and I feel like I’m drowning in it. But as broken as I feel, I’m still here, writing this. Maybe there’s some small flicker of hope in that—maybe the act of sharing this pain is a step, however small, toward healing. I’m not sure. But for now, this is where I am: raw, heartbroken, and searching for some way to keep going in a world that has shown me so much loss.

Profile of an Alcoholic (2006)

I developed a craving for alcohol at a very young age.  Whenever I was around my dad's family there always seemed to be some kind of alcoholic beverage around.  His family would always give me 'sips' of beer.  When I was around 3 or 4 years old I was visiting my (paternal) grandparents.  They worked as janitors at the local movie theatre.  Sometimes they borrowed small amounts of cleaning products.  I found a bottle of 'whiskey' in the shed one day and decided to try it out.  Of course I had to go and brag so I took the bottle that I had already drank from and told everyone, "I drank whiskey".  Everyone started acting weird and next thing I know I'm in the hospital with tubes run down my mouth.  Apparently the "whiskey" was rug cleaner that had been poured in a small whiskey flask.

I recovered, but still had not lost the craving for alcohol.  For some of you elders out there, you probably remember when doctors still used glass oral thermometers.  These were always stored in alcohol between uses.  The nurse would rinse it before placing it in my mouth, but it still had the taste of alcohol.  I think I was the only little kid that loved this taste!  As I got older, I would sneak paper cups of my (paternal) grandmother's wine.  I even got a bit tipsy occasionally.  By the time I was 14 I was ready to "party" with the tough kids.  We found booze wherever we could find it.  Back then my favorite was cherry vodka, but I always loved my beer.  For most of my childhood, my (maternal) grandmother had kept me 'safe', but it was at this time my dad decided to move to Arkansas and take us with him.  I started hanging out with kids that I would have never hung out with back in California (grandma wouldn't have allowed it).  I had a lot of "fun" becoming a 'wild child'.  After moving back to California, a year later, I found 'new' friends to party with.  I played around with pot, tranquilizers, and speed.

By the time I was 18 I was tired of being an irresponsible brat so I joined the Navy to 'straighten' my life out.  It was at this time that I gave up 'pot' and drugs.  I tried to give up the alcohol...but it was soooo easy to get once I was in the Navy.  All of the clubs on base allowed you to drink beer if you were 18 or older, even if the legal limit in the state was 21.  I managed to separate my "party self" from my "work self" pretty successfully.  I was learning to become a 'functional' alcoholic!  I'd work all day and party at night until the clubs closed, then start all over again the next day.

In the fall of 1979 I met the man that I would spend the rest of my life with.  I slowed down my alcohol consumption, but still imbibed regularly.  When I got pregnant with our first child (Jason) I stopped drinking and smoking.  After our son was born we would have wine in the evenings or an occasional beer after the baby was asleep but I was now out of the 'party' mode.  My second pregnancy was also alcohol free.

I left the Navy during my second pregnancy ready to be a 'stay-at-home' mother.  I really admire all the wonderful women out there that are successful at this.  I really sucked at being a full-time Mommy.  As my first child got older he was more and more difficult to manage.  I enrolled in the community college full-time in order to save my sanity.  It didn't help much, I got nearly daily calls from daycare regarding Jason's behavior.  I was at a loss to figure out what I was doing wrong.  I started medicating myself with beer.  It was the 'perfect' tranquilizer for me.  By the time Jason was in first grade I was up to a 12pack a day.  It was at this time I finally decided that I may have a 'drinking problem'.  I sought professional help and managed to quit drinking and lost 80 pounds as a bonus.

This lasted from 1986 to 1991.  By 1990 I was working as a Senior Accountant at a company I loved.  My husband was still in the Navy and we were about to move to Washington state.  I hated leaving my job so much, I convinced him to retire from the Navy so we could settle down in the San Francisco, Bay Area.  We bought our first house and settled down in Hayward, California.  Once again my world was shifting... for the previous 10 years of our marriage, my husband was an occasional visitor.  Most of the 1st 10 years he was stationed on ships and spent a lot of time deployed.  Now I not only had to deal with my kids, I had an adult to deal with on a daily basis.

In 1991 I resumed medicating myself 'to calm my nerves'.  The medicating process continued until 2001 when I got so sick of myself I said "ENOUGH!"  By this time I had become borderline agorophobic and was battling with MS.  In February 2001 made plans to meet some friends for lunch on a Saturday.  When Saturday rolled around I couldn't make myself go, so I called them and said I was sick.  I really just wanted to stay home and drink beer.  Well, I stayed home but I didn't drink and haven't drank since.  I suddenly experienced an epiphany.  After I hung up the phone I sat on the sofa and cried from shame and the realization that I had buried my head in the ground for so many years.  Larry and I were still married, but I had started sleeping on the couch the previous year.  I was pushing him away.  With my 'new found' sobriety, it was like someone had finally turned on the lights and I could see things that I couldn't see for years.  I have an amazing husband... he is the kindest, most caring person that I know and I'm so glad that he stuck with me through all of the fog.  I love him so much.

Next time a little kid asks for a taste of beer... Just say "No".  It's not cute and it could start them down a road that is nearly impossible to navigate safely

Cauliflower, Potatoes and Leeks, oh my...

This week's CSA bounty included the ingredients for this tasty soup:

Roasted Cauliflower Soup

1 lb Potatoes peeled and cubed
3 Leeks, white portion sliced thinly
1 Shallot, finely diced
1/2 Head of Cauliflower, cut into bite sized pieces
1 qt. Trader Joe's Organic Vegetable Broth
¼ Cup of Olive Oil
¼ Teaspoon of Chili Powder
¼ Teaspoon of Red Pepper Flakes
1 Tablespoon fresh chopped parsley
Salt and Pepper to Taste

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Place cauliflower florets and parsley in a zippered storage bag. Add 1 T of olive oil and sprinkling of sea salt and black pepper. Seal and shake bag to coat the cauliflower with the oil and seasonings. Spread cauliflower in a single layer on an oiled baking sheet. Place in oven and bake until the florets are golden brown and the cauliflower is just tender when pierced with a fork.

Over medium heat, Heat remaining 3 T olive oil in a large pot. Add leek and shallot. Sauté until translucent, about 5 minutes. Stir in chili powder and pepper flakes.

Add vegetable broth and potatoes to the soup pot and simmer until potatoes are tender.

Process soup mixture in a blender to purée. (I prefer using a handheld blender and purée right in the pot)

Stir roasted cauliflower into the puréed soup, correct seasoning, heat thoroughly and serve with crusty bread.

Kathy's World: Sausage & Fennel Orzotto

Kathy's World: Sausage & Fennel Orzotto: My weekly CSA delivery often contains items that I don't use on a regular basis. My last delivery included a bunch of baby fennel so I went...

Sausage & Fennel Orzotto

My weekly CSA delivery often contains items that I don't use on a regular basis. My last delivery included a bunch of baby fennel so I went on a search for ideas beyond braised or sautéed fennel. I found the following recipe through an app on my iPad. I had just enough fennel to make 1 cup sliced, so I just adjusted the rest of the ingredients by half. This was delicious and I will definitely make it again.

Ingredients
3 1⁄2 cups low-sodium chicken broth
2 Tbsp. olive oil
1 lb. link spicy Italian sausage
2 cups thinly sliced fennel (reserve fennel fronds and chop)
1 cup diced red onion
2 tsp. minced garlic
1 ⁄2 tsp. red pepper flakes
1 ⁄2 tsp. dried thyme
2 cups dry orzo pasta
1 ⁄2 cup dry white wine
1 ⁄2 cup grated Parmesan
2 Tbsp. unsalted butter
1 ⁄4 cup chopped fresh parsley
2 tsp. minced lemon zest
Salt and black pepper to taste
Directions
Heat broth in a saucepan over low; keep it warm while preparing remaining ingredients.
Heat oil in a large sauté pan over medium. Add sausage; sauté until browned, 10–12 minutes per side. Transfer sausage to a paper-towel-lined plate. When cool enough to handle, slice sausage into 1/2-inch-thick rounds; set aside.
In the pan used to cook sausage, sauté fennel and onion until they begin to brown and soften, about 5 minutes. Add garlic, pepper flakes, and thyme; cook, stirring constantly, for 2 minutes. Transfer vegetable mixture to a bowl.
Add orzo to the sauté pan, stirring to coat pasta with residual oil in the pan; cook 2 minutes.
Deglaze the pan with wine, scraping up any browned bits from the bottom.
Add 1 1/2 cups warm broth to orzo; cook, stirring constantly, until broth is nearly absorbed, about 5 minutes. Add another cup of broth; cook and stir orzo until broth is nearly absorbed, another 5 minutes. Add the remaining 1 cup broth; cook and stir until liquid is fully absorbed. Taste orzo for doneness. It should be creamy but not gummy.
Stir in sausage slices and vegetable mixture, then add Parmesan, butter, parsley, zest, and chopped fennel fronds. Season orzotto with salt and pepper.
Nutrition Information
Per serving: 637 cal; 35g total fat (13g sat); 76mg chol; 758mg sodium; 51g total carbs; 3g fiber; 24g protein

Recipe submitted by hedley
From the Key Ingredient website

Roasted Vegetable Soup

I received my weekly CSA delivery yesterday and immediately turned to the internet in search of a recipe to use some of my bounty. I found this terrific recipe:

Roasted Vegetable Soup

Ingredients
2 lb carrots, peeled
1/2 lb parsnips, peeled
1/2 lb turnips, peeled
3 Tbsp olive oil
1 lg onion, chopped
2 Tbsp chopped fresh thyme
4 c low-sodium chicken broth
Directions
1 CUT carrots, parsnips, and turnips into 3” x 1/2” sticks. Toss with 1 Tbsp oil on baking sheet. Bake in 450F oven, stirring occasionally, 40 minutes.
2 HEAT 2 Tbsp oil in pot over medium heat. Add onion and thyme. Cook 4 minutes. Add roasted vegetables, broth, and 2 cups water. Simmer 15 minutes.
3 PUREE in blender (in batches). Season to taste.
NUTRITION (per 1 1/3-cup serving)
168 cal, 4 g pro, 24 g carb, 6 g fiber, 7 g fat, 1 g sat fat, 167 mg sodium

I made only minor changes to the recipe. I only puréed the soup partially and since I did not have fresh thyme I substituted 1 Tablespoon of dried thyme. I had a pork chop left over from dinner last night, so I cut it up into small cubes and added it just before serving.

Trading down

Larry and I are getting ready for a trip with our new trailer.  Boy, did we give that dealership a great deal!  We traded straight across for a 2012 Springdale valued at about $22,000.  We had been trying to sell our old 2008 Cardinal for the NADA value, but not even a nibble.  Now the RV place has it listed for $35,500!  (the NADA value). http://www.donsrv.com/rv/forestriver/fifthwheel/401/Forest_River_Cardinal_34RLTS

We wanted smaller, but we looked at so many trailers, the features that I liked all ran together.  We decided on a 26' Keystone Sprindale.  Oops, no pantry.  I looked at one with a pantry, but apparently this one did not have that feature.  *Sigh*, I guess we will have to get creative with storing our packaged and canned goods.  We are trying not to kick ourselves too hard.  It is a nice little trailer and we did want to downsize.  We got spoiled with our land yacht, but even the trailer we had prior to the Cardinal had a pantry.  Damn it we are going to learn to love our new trailer.  It's time to make some lemonade.